We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm bleeding and have questions
I enjoy the company of your penis
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
