just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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