Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
