Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So vagazzling was a success
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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