Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
