Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't turn off my feet"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
