I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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