her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
