You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
