I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
