Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
