This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
