I love black thongs
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
