does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
