i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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