I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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