i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Damn victory sex feels great
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
