nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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