It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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