Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
