you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
