I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
