Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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