Can i not drive my cunt home
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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