New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
