if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
