i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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