Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
