Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
