I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
