we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
as a side note pls kill me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
