in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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