I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
