Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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