The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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