she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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