apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
