please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
