Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
