Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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