Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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