She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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