you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
