I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
