you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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