I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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