We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
