Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
