Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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