I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just gift wrapped bread.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
