totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
