your thong is hanging out like whoa
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
