Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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