since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
