Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When are your genitals available?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
